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HOMELAND SECURITY TO RAID KFC

HOMELAND SECURITY TO RAID KFC

DATELINE - Washington, D.C.  

In light of the Boston bombings, the Department of Homeland Security will raid KFC locations across the country beginning Wednesday. 

Citing the corporation's stockpile of dangerous pressure cookers, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calafornia) stresses the need for the "drastic measure."

"How many pressure cookers does any one person or any one corporation need," said Feinstein. 

Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano (D), joined Feinstein adding "these devices can be modified to kill hundreds if not thousands of Americans, and their continued presence in our society cannot be tolerated."

Mobilizing nearly 7500 Federal Agents is no small task.

According to sources in the FBI, the nearly 100,000,000 rounds of recently purchased ammunition will "be put to good use" if KFC employees resist in any way.

KFC issued a late response this afternoon, stating "warrantless searches and seizures are un-constitutional and we strongly disagree with this blatant violation of our rights as a corporation in America."

Feinstein and Napolitano plan on beginning the raids in New York and Connecticut.

In a joint statement, the two government officials cite "the lack of proper defensive weapons in possession of law abiding citizens" as the reason to begin in these two states.

Both New York and Connecticut recently passed some of the countries most stringent gun ownership legislation in the nation.

"We are not going to stop..." exclaimed Feinstein, "...once we remove these assault appliances from the largest possessor (KFC), we will move on to other corporations with an eventual mandatory ban on individual ownership."

Pro pressure cooker activists across the nation vow to resist stating "if you make owning a pressure cooker a crime, only criminals will have pressure cookers."

A Terrifyingly Possible AP Style Story
By Bob F. Dowd 

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